My Priorities
Some thoughts on what I think my kids should learn and why:
I graduated high school with a bunch of academic awards: STAR student, national merit scholarship winner, state alternate
for the governor's honors program, inducted into Mu Alpha Theta in 11th grade
(the earliest you can be inducted into this college-level math honor society)....yadda yadda.
None of that did anything to fix the sexual abuse I endured as a kid while other people conveniently looked the other way,
or the suicide attempt in 12th grade for which high school teachers lectured me instead of being compassionate, or the
fact that I had an undiagnosed medical condition which caused me to miss the maximum number of days I could miss year in and
year out while dragging myself to school sick most of the rest of the time. It didn't make up for being treated like I was nothing but
lazy and skipping school instead of really sick. As for Star student: I was the also ran at home because my sister did it first,
with better grades and higher SAT scores. Big yawn for me doing it again.
So my first and biggest goal as a parent has been to raise kids who weren't molested and who had very clear boundaries about
things like that so there would never be some dreadful issue. I have not particularly worried that my kids would be molested
or end up accused of date rape. They were raised with the experience and the rule that affection has to mutual -- period -- and
they understand that the definition of "rape" hinges on consent, not on how violent it was. They know that violation of someone's
boundaries doesn't begin with rape, it begins with that first unwanted, icky hug, kiss or other "innocent" touch and culminates in rape.
They were not raised to politely put up with people touching them. They were raised to say "no thank you" and to come get mom if "no"
was not readily accepted as an answer. And they know that runs both ways: if they are told "no", they must also stop immediately.
I've volunteered in a homeless shelter and read plenty about drug addiction and other big issues that lead to people being chronic
losers and life-long failures. A high percentage of people in homeless shelters were molested or otherwise abused. I know all too
well how much this one issue can negatively impact a person's life. My sons are both intact in this regard and won't have their career
prospects ruined by poor self-esteem, negative self-image and on and on. To me, this issue is a cornerstone of success or failure. It's
not merely a 'nice to have' kind of thing. It's not a luxury item. It's crucial to a person's ability to make their life work. God knows
I've spent enormous time and energy cleaning up the mess I was left with, time and energy which then wasn't available for other things, such
as a career.
My oldest son has the same medical condition I have. My first and most important goal with homeschooling him has been to get him well and
help him find a means to live a healthy life, in spite of the opinions of the medical profession that this is simply not possible. After
I graduated from a prestigious GIS program, my lovely resume had a 50% call back rate. And I routinely tanked in the interview because I
was in excruciating pain, doped to the gills, and suffering the side effects of drug withdrawal. It took me several years to finally get a
job, a job that has nothing to do with what I was trained in and that pays a lot less than the jobs I was interviewing for shortly after I
graduated. I know all too well that no matter how much education you have, if you are too sick to work, it doesn't really freakin' matter.
My kids are both gifted-learning disabled. My oldest has discalculia and numbers just really don't compute for him. With getting him well,
it's not quite as bad as it used to be but he will always be "calculator-dependent" -- or, more accurately, "younger brother dependent".
My younger son runs calculations in his head much like I did when I was younger. They plan to be business partners.
I have done a remarkably good job of teaching them a) to play to their strengths and find a means around their weaknesses and b)
to treat their personal differences as an asset rather than a reason to fight. They believe those lessons will allow them to work
together successfully and build a company on their own terms, which fits their unique needs and unique assets.
I have always told them that because they are homeschooled, they will never have "a king's stamp" to make the gold good, therefore they
actually have to be golden: i.e. they have to really have skills since there will be no sheepskin to sell themselves with. I have
told them that they should find work they enjoy and they should plan to make enough money to support themselves. I have told them
that is success enough and things like social status are completely optional: go for it if you want it or ignore it if you don't, it
doesn't really matter which.
I have told them that they have no real choice but to create a niche that works for them since it is unlikely that a niche already
exists which will fit them like a glove. They are just too weird.
I don't think my oldest son needs to be able to multiply. It's okay by me that he can't. He did learn conceptual math and that will
stand him in good stead. I don't think my kids need to learn any of the things that would allow them to pass some high school
equivalency exam. I am often surprised at what "common" things they don't know -- but more often surprised at some of the amazing
things they do know. I think their education needs to prepare them for a future that has not yet been born instead of a past that
is in its death-throws.
Given that my son with cystic fibrosis has not been on antibiotics in over 10 years, I think my plan has
worked phenomenally well. I believe their futures are bright. They just need more time to carve out that unique niche.
Sept 2008
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